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Thursday, 09 July 2009
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Currently
So You Think You Can Dance
see relatedCan't Keep Quiet
I say this today, but we'll have to see what tomorrow holds.
I take a stand, only to sit down again.
ANGER.
but hear me now.
I will not be defined by those six days of my life.
Nor will I be kept down by dreams I'm too afraid of.
I know those will never be far from my mind
But I'm used to Doubt being my companion
They say the only thing to do is move forward
But that doesn't mean I can't go slow, or stop to laugh.
Thursday, 04 June 2009
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leeeeeeeeech.
I'm sick of being a parasite.
I don't know what to do.
but i love everyone too much to keep doing this.
I have to change.
but i don't know how.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
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Reality is never rational.
I hate dreaming about pain and death. I couldn't shake this horrible dream this morning. I won't try to explain it too much--my dreams are always vivid and detailed and confusing. Basically, these people had taken over and massacres were happening. I don't know if they were terrorists or an 80's rock band, it was that weird. But when I woke up I still felt like crying that I had been in my dream. I only slept about 4 hours-- up early to help Mom pack up her classroom. A hot shower and blasting Copeland helped a little, but I didn't fully shake it until I got to her school and occupied my mind with organizing.
But worse than bad dreams is waking up and seeing death affecting those around you. Especially when the news comes so suddenly, in the midst of a celebratory moment. I got my driver's license today, finally. Surgery at 16 had put me out for 2 years and then I got so caught up in life I just now took the test for the first time. Dad and I went to Chik-fil-a for a milkshake to celebrate and I called Mom to tell her the good news, and thats when she told me the news she had just heard.
A Coach and friend took his life today. He was loved by everyone in our community. He taught my brothers pee wee baseball way back when, his wife was my first grade teacher, and he coached at my high school my 9th and 10th grade years before he switched to a different school down the road. Several months back, perhaps over a year, he got in a severe car accident he probably shouldn't have lived through. His family has been trying so hard to help him recover, and he'd been back at work, though it might have been too early. He was still weak (and he had been such an athletic man before) and in a lot of pain. But no one was expecting this. He gave out diplomas at graduation on Saturday. Apparently he went to work this morning - the last day of post planning - and came home during his lunch break, where he tied a brick around his neck in their pool.
I can't believe it. Mom was crying all afternoon. So many of us are keeping the family in our prayers-- I can't imagine what they're going through, after all they had already been through this year.
And I don't understand it. I know everyone always says that, because these sort of things never make sense. But I don't see how God is in this, why He would let Satan win to that degree. I've thought a lot about this, even before this happened. What happened to the promise that God won't put His children through trials beyond what they can bear? How do suicides fit into that? I don't know. It's something that hits close to home, and I can't figure it out.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
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Currently
Numb3rs: Season 1-3 (16DVD)
By Rob Morrow, David Krumholtz, Judd Hirsch
see relatedNumbers.
1. i'm wondering what time the birds wake up here. I pulled enough all nighters at school to know that those ones start their song at 4am. but here i have not heard them...maybe its because the window is not open.
2. i can't sleep. again. it was fitful last night, and only good wednesday night because tuesday night i didn't sleep at all but got a heck of a lot of unpacking done.... ironically enough, that was the day i was in a mysterious good mood all day.
i should not sleep more often. except, not.
3. sometimes i want to take my brain out and chuck it out a window. it gets going too fast sometimes. a lot of times. thinking of all i need to do, and all i don't know how to do, and all i wish i could do and... its why i cant sleep (well, and i sleep in too late...) i stop all distractions and lay down and it goes on turbo. which is another reason im numbering all my thoughts. ive been thinking about this post for a while tonight (today?)
4. i finally got caught up on all the posts of my friends ive missed reading. hello again! life gets so busy sometimes. and then so not. case in point: finals week (aka hell week) and then school is over just like that. you're home and while the workload is now different, its....well, optional, and not at a set time. weird.
5. i re-read a lot of my old posts too. that also started the numbers thing. i was noticing the dates of when i wrote what... you know, Satan has a calendar, methinks.
6. i also missed tonights episode of Numb3rs. i hope i remember to find it online...dramatic things were pending from last week. its so weird that i watch tv now, after having not since december.
7. two lines from a poem i mentally started are going around and around in my head--- " one week and i'm broken, one week till i'm flyin"
8. i watched the movie Seven Pounds tonight. when i was trying to sleep i kept thinking about box jellyfish. i wonder if they are immune to their own venom...like from other jellyfish. and tried to come up with any other animal that cannot kill its own kind. if its true...isn't it interesting that its the simplest of lethal organisms that doesn't kill its own kind? idk, just a thought.
9. i have this fascination with learning about what a person is like in real life if i like something of theirs. like with musicians and actors...i love watching interviews or reading their blogs on myspace and things like that. because i have a part of them...their music or their movie...but i want to know who they really are. its one of the reasons im wondering if its possible to follow twitters without having one myself. because i don't want one, but apparently a lot of popular artists i love have one and i want to read them but it'd be nice to get updates instead of me trying to keep a link to each individual one...
10. i've had a giftcard to itunes for like a month and haven't even touched it...which is unusual for me. and proof of how ridiculously busy i am during school. i have big plans for it though.... all the songs for my 50's playlist (the old cassette tape i had when i was little broke...sad day) and finish my SYTYCD playlist (btw, season 5 premieres in a week...SO EXCITED!!!!!) and maybe try to get songs of some of my myspace bands. idk how far the money will stretch though.
11. there's probably a bunch of other things i'm forgetting to say. typical.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
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*knocks on every door*
HELLO???
Pulse
sadie_pls has no pulse!...
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